Dawn

Of a sort.

It's finally dawning on me. The fact that in two weeks from today, I will have been in Berlin for almost a week. In just more than a week, I will be getting on a plane and leaving my home town, home country, home language, friends, family and everything else that I've known for an entire year. I'll be spending that year in a country that I've only dreamed of going back to, after a short week-long vacation spent there, the best vacation of my life. And for all of the wonderful parts of this realization, it always comes back to the fact that the hug I give my mother before stepping past that line at airport security will be the last hug I give her for a year. That night I spend in bed, on my pillow, will be the last night I spend on my bed for a year. That morning when I wake up and stumble groggily out to the bathroom, will be the last time I feel comfortable in a house for quite a while. The next time I wake up in a house, I'm not going to know where things are, and I'm not going to know the house well enough to be able to walk around turning on the light. I'm going to stumble over things, and wander around on tiptoes trying not to wake people up. My life is going to be turned utterly upside down in just more than a week.

It's scary. A year seems like a much longer amount of time now, when it's going to be starting so soon. Five months ago, a year didn't seem like that long at all, nothing to be scared of, nothing to even make me stop and think. But now, there's a part of me that doesn't want to go. That's wondering what I was thinking, that Ocotober day so long ago. "What are you thining? How can you even think for a second that this is a good idea? You're leaving home. You're leaving the only place you have ever known for a completely new place and a new experience. You don't know anything about what you're doing. You're an idiot." But when that part of me comes out, I realize why I'm doing it. When the scared part refuses to back down, I have to tell myself, "You're not leaving home for a year, you're going to make a new home in a year." And then, hopefully, I can manage to stop tearing up. Maybe. If I'm lucky.

Berlin isn't going anywhere, and neither is Sherman. I am going somewhere. I am leaving Sherman and going to Berlin. A new life is going to be made, whether I like it or not. It's up to me to make it the best possible experience. And I am determined to make it just that.

Oh, and in case of big boo-boos in this post: I just typed it all from a document I had written in my word processor when I was internet-less. I didn't bother to read what I was typing. I apologize for any errors.

I've Got the Golden Ticket :)

Well, in all fairness, I have neither a paper nor golden ticket. It is, however, a ticket. A ticket that will enable me to get on a plane and cross the Atlantic Ocean (kinda like my nifty guarantee form did, but I won't be signed by multiple people) and spend some time in Berlin. Pretty freaking awesome, eh? I tend to think so. 

The days are winding down. 12 days left, I think is the tally. I'm at my aunt's house, and tomorrow I'll be heading to my great-uncle's. He lived in Germany for twenty years and speaks the language fluently. It's my pre-immersion immersion. It's been eons since I've seen him, and if I saw him in Walmart, I wouldn't recognize him. But I've spoken to him on the phone and he seems awesome and super cool and kickbutt. Gonna learn me some DEUTSCH! 

I brought some nerds with me (the little Wonka candies, not the people) and my aunt is sitting here munching on them. "Aren't the addictive?" <--me "They're not good, I'm not enjoying them. *munch munch*" <--my aunt. It's pretty funny. I went out with a friend the other day, and we were shopping and I found a legit BOX of them. Not the dorky little box, but like a bottlecaps sized box of nerds. I was very happy. It's been determined that I'm going to need to take a couple boxes with me, because as it is now, I'm utterly addicted, and will suffer withdrawal if I get on a plane with no nerds. I shall remedy this problem in the next couple weeks. 

I was going to post a photo of my ticket when I got it, but it exists only in the virtual realm as an e-ticket, and I have a packet of multi-colored pamphlets teaching me how to pack and travel wisely. So it won't make for a very interesting photo. I apologize. I love you all, dear readers, even though my lack of interesting-photo-posting may seem contradictory to that. Many hugs and hearts, readers of Worlds Apart. 

Filler-ville

Yep. I'm just writing this because I have an epic post in mind, but I don't know when I'll be able to write it. So....I'm just going to do this.

My counselor from Berlin-Zitadelle has contacted me. I have an idea of when I'll be leaving. I've babysat twice in the last two weeks. I'm going to a family reunion today. I'm going to my grandparents today, which was not planned until two days ago and is pretty much messing me up. I still have to pack for that....

I started packing for departure, which will be after I pack for my grandparents', and after I pack to go to my great-uncle's to learn German. I honestly don't know how I'm going to manage to fit everything I want to take into that suitcase, even with spacebags. A lot of other exchange students say to pack extremely light, because you'll end up buying clothes and shoes and the like when you're there, but...I don't want to buy a lot. I want to save that money so I can go on my Eurotrip. Rotary exchange is cheap, compared to other exchange programs, but airline tickets are NOT cheap, no matter how you look at it. Lapel pins are also surprisingly not cheap. Especially when you need to get 300 of them. And then flags and other things for host families (which I will not mention by name, in case the Weigands are reading this. :)) So, in other words, my suitcase is going to be very full of clothes and I need to make sure they all fit and don't weigh more than 50 pounds.

Also, with about 20.5 days remaining until I get on that plane, I'm realizing all of the things that I'm going to miss....starting with my mom, ending with my pillow and all those tasty preservative-laden snacks I'm so fond of. There's a lot in between, too. The point is, if I let myself think about these things too long, or a little too intensely, my eyes start getting wet and then these strange little blobs of moisture come out of them. Yeah, I'm admitting to crying a little. On the internet. Where the world can see. lol. But then I listen to my music and sing really loudly and badly and make other people around me want to run away. And then I think about where I'm going, and why I'm going, and I'm better.

I'm going to Germany. Can you believe it? I don't think I can.

One Month

At this point in my Exchange, it could be argued that I'm not yet to my exchange. I'm still in my home country, I'm still speaking my native language, I'm still sleeping on my own bed, I'm still waking up to the same sounds I've been hearing for the past eighteen years. But at this point on my Exchange, the fact that I'm not going to be in my home country, speaking my native language, etc. dawns on me quite often. I'll be sitting on the couch, in the car, on my bed, thinking about nothing in particular when I realize, "I have a month here. In a month, I'll be in Germany, trying to speak German." And then when I realize that, my stomach sort of drops, kind of like that feeling right when you start going over the hill on a roller coaster. For a split second, I'm filled with...terror. There's no other word for it.

The fact that I'm going on exchange is never out of my mind. Not for a minute. Everything I do, I do with the knowledge that depending on what it is I'm doing, it might be the last time I do it in America. Every day when I wake up, and before I go to sleep, I see the large, blue suitcase that is sitting on the (admittedly messy) floor of my room. Right now it has a roll of paper towels on it and the notebook with any and all lists I will need in preparation for my departure. And next to my pillow is the casette player (that is so old it squeals) that I use to listen to my Pimsleur tapes and the notebook I've been journaling in. And on the hearth in the dining room is the even larger blue suitcase I'm going to pack the large blue suitcase in my room in, and the box with pins and other goodies to hand out on my exchange. And fom the wire rack that holds all of the stuffed animals from my youth hangs my blazer, with its measly collection of pins. So not only is my exchange living in my mind, it's pretty much taken over my house, too.

If Rotary Youth Exchange were a roller coaster, I'd be halfway up the first hill, if even. I'm staring at what's going to happen next, and I don't know how it's going to end. In a month, possibly less, I'll actually be at the top of that hill. I'll be in an airplane staring off into the unknown, just hoping I don't puke. It's a good thing I've always loved a good roller coaster. I think this is my favorite one yet, though. It takes me to Deutschland.

Post Which Will Not Be Named....(oooooo....ominous)

Tomorrow I have a Rotary meeting. I'm pretty psyched. I love my Rotary club. :) I spoke to my YEO the other day via email and he asked me if I would give a short presentation. I had expected this, and was thinking I would just stand up and say that I'm going to Berlin, talk about my family a little, the usual. And then, after speaking to him, I decided, "What the heck. I'll make a powerpoint." So I sat down and spent about twenty minutes making the cover slide - finding a couple good photos and editing them on picnik, deciding what to call it, etc. I think it must have taken me about...oh, an hour and a half from start to finish? It was so much fun, though. I got to go through and pick all of my favorite information - I pretty much copied this awesomeness into a powerpoint presentation, got a photo of Kant-Gymnasium, the Weigands; I even put on my blazer and took a photo of that for the end. I got really into it. I have a tendency to get really excited about and involved in things for Rotary. Towards the end of the year, Rotary projects and the rare chem assignment were the only things I actually focused on, other than stalking 1940, and at the very end, Kladow.

This is a sort of...unfocused post, eh? I suppose the point is: I really want my plane ticket. I really want to know when I'm actually leaving, and what my itinerary is going to be...I need to study my airports and figure out how I'm going to get where in time. I want to see if anyone else is going to be in the same airports as me at the same time. I want to know my airline's requirements/limitations on luggage so I can do some trial runs to make sure I'll be good. There's so much to do regarding the trip there...I'm not even thinking about things I need to take care of for when I get there. And there's no shortage of that, either - gifts for host families; flags for club, family, school; make sure I know what I need to know for the Alien Resident Permit; learning German (<-- a biggie); and a load of things I can't think of right now.

In the meantime, I will sit in my room and listen to German music. Silbermond, Luxuslärm, Peter Fox...:) Facebook is wonderful, because if it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't already know a bunch of the people going to my district, and if it weren't for that, I would never have found Silbermond or Luxuslärm, and wouldn't know about the possibility of going to concerts. Facebook rocks. Rotary rocks. Berlin rocks. Lots of things rock my socks off. Proof? I'm not wearing socks right now. ^_^

Following the Paper Trail...

Sent off all of the paperwork to the travel agency this morning. All that's left is the airline ticket. :) 

I am faced with a maximum of 38 days left in these great United States of America, but I'm finding that fact to be very..tedious. Thirty-eight days seems to be thirty-seven and one half days too many. I remember that I was already counting down the days when I was at eighty-odd days. That was an unbelievably long time ago...that was when I was still wondering whether I would be in Mainz or Idar-Oberstein. It blows my mind that I'll be in Berlin. I can say that Ich bin Berliner...and be telling the world that not only am I a jelly doughnut, I am one who lives in Berlin. Or, will in a matter of days. Mind. Blown. And I know that's the thing that will continually come up, even when I'm actually in Deutschland, but I still can't believe that I'm going to Berlin, and I'm absolutely sure that I still won't be able to believe it when I'm there. 

My life changed in the most fantastic and amazing way possible when I filled out that simple piece of paper that asked me what my hobbies are and why I wanted to do an exchange. There's no going back - I'm an exchange student now. Even though my exchange hasn't started in the I'm-in-another-country way, the way I think, the way I act, the way I see things has changed. I've thought about how I'm going to introduce myself, coming up with multiple ways of using my extremely limited German without looking up anything. I've started limiting myself on what I can wear, to accustom myself to the smaller wardrobe I'll be taking with me. I've already started saying my goodbyes - to my school, my teachers, the little things that always make me feel better at home that I won't be able to take with me. In roughly thirty days, I'll start packing a year of my life into one suitcase and a backpack, knowing that what I'll get from the effort (trust me, choosing a suitcase and backpack's worth of stuff will definitely be an effort. We're talking a year here, in one suitcase and a backpack. I'm a teenage girl, remember.) will be impossible to pack, and something that I will never forget and cherish my entire life. Any pain that comes from this experience will be so outweighed by all of the wonderful things that I'll get from it that in the end, I doubt I'll even remember the hardships I faced.

Oh, I know it's going to be hard. Every RYES knows it, but the thing that makes us RYES is the fact that we're crazy enough to forget about that for long enough to get on the plane. Or at least strong enough to get on the plane in spite of what we're afraid of. I never knew how strong I was until I realized that I'm really doing this. I'll never forget that it was a Rotary Youth Exchange that made me realize who I am, before I even got on the plane.

Well Then, That's the End of That

I am officially no longer a high schooler. Well, an American high schooler. Tonight I graduated. Finally. It's only been fourteen years. It turned out that graduation itself wasn't as atrocious as I thought it was going to be. I did not: fall asleep, cry, die of boredom, or do anything utterly idiotic. I laughed, though. Some interesting memories were brought back from the depths of my mind.

But the real reason for this post is something I realized today. When I'm thinking about next year, I'm very excited. I'm thrilled about all of the possibilities, all of the things that I'll experience..but I don't really know what I will experience. So when I think about my exchange, I'm forced to think about the things I know I'll miss - my family, my bed, my pillow, the sounds and sights of home. So if it seems like I'm very mopey and focusing on the negative, it's because the negatives - well, the negative losses are the only things I actually know about. They're the only things I'm really, truly aware of at this point. No macaroni and cheese after a bad day, no sitting down and texting one of my best friends, no going home and crashing in front of the TV, no rummaging in the kitchen and throwing together some weird crazy mess for dinner.

When I think about all of the positives, there's no way I can know that they will come to be. I cannot be sure that I'm going to get along with people, no matter how hard I try; that I'm going to learn German as easily as I'm hoping; that it's going to be anything like I think and hope it will be. I have no doubt that this is going to be an amazing experience, and that I'll have a great time. I have no doubt that I'll learn a massive amount of things, that I'l make connections that will last me a lifetime. I have no doubt that I am going to try my hardest to be a wonderful ambassador and leave lasting impressions, lasting good impressions.

But at the same time, I do have doubts of how well, how quickly these are going to happen. How fully these predictions are going to come to be. None of what lives in my mind about this exchange is based on fact - I have no fact or experience to base it on. But in less than 45 days, I will.